On Love, In Sadness
by atalanta's apples
Summary: -Chapter Four!- Everything's almost back to normal when Adam rejoins the Ducks but that still doesn't change the fact that he has a secret that only Riley knows and he isn't afraid to use this to his advantage, and Charlie suspects something's wrong.
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer_: I own nothing and the song title belongs to my future husband Jason Mraz (in my delusional world that is)

_Author's Notes_: I was kind of stuck on my previous MD story so I did the only thing I could…start another one haha…anyway, hope you all enjoy~

**~*On Love, In Sadness*~**

**~*Chapter One*~**__

_Adam's POV   _

I pulled at my locker door several more times; it was stuck.  Figuring that this was Eden Hall and stuff, you'd think they'd have lockers that worked but I guess that was too much to ask.  Finally, the door opened.  My locker basically resembled everything else in my life: clean at first glance, spotless in a glance but messy if you dig a little deeper.  And unfortunately I had to dig to find the English book I had to read by today that I had forgotten to do.  

Finally I found it buried underneath my gym clothes.  I sighed with relief but as I picked it up, a note fell out of it.  I wanted to wish that it were from Charlie; the messy scrawl did resemble his.  I never liked to hope though.  And it was unlikely.  Even if things were almost back to normal with me back on JV, I wasn't sure if Charlie had completely forgiven me for playing on Varsity for awhile.     

I opened up the note but was shocked to find that it _was_ from Charlie.  Letting a pleased smile grow on my face, I read the note: _Hey Adam.  Yeah, it's me, Charlie.  I guess I just basically wanted to say sorry, you know, for being such a jackass to you when you were on Varsity.  I should have known it was because of your dad and stuff and pressure.  Well it's not important anymore, that's over.  And I'm sorry.  So you want to hang out Friday?  Don't tell me you're gonna work on some paper, Cake-eater, that's what the weekend's for.  Talk to you at lunch. ~Charlie formerly Captain Jackass_

I couldn't help laughing softly to myself.  Charlie had no problem with calling out his faults but at the same time, he didn't have a problem showing off his good points either.  He was well rounded like that.  I was planning on reading _The Great Gatsby_ during lunch in the library but I preferred the idea of sitting at the table of the Ducks again.  I couldn't wait to listen to Julie explain a complicated math problem, Dwayne and Averman fight over which was better: pudding or jello, and I wouldn't even mind hearing Connie and Guy fawning over one another.  And most of all, I couldn't wait to hear Charlie announce another brazen plan may it be a prank, a play in hockey, or something else outrageous.  

My locker door slammed shut, making me jump in surprise and drop the book on the floor.

"Hey there, Banks, let me get that for you," said an all too familiar voice.  It was Riley.  He bent down to pick it up and hand it to me.

"_The Great Gatsby_ huh?  I remember reading that in freshmen year."  I uncomfortably shifted from one foot to another.  The halls were starting to empty now that it was well into lunch, which made me even more nervous.    

"Hi Riley," I said.  "What do you want?"  Riley chuckled.

"That's no way to greet a former captain is it?"   The last of the people in the halls left to the cafeteria, leaving just Riley and me.  His expression changed very rapidly from social and amiable to nasty.

"Just because you're back with the Ducks doesn't mean anything has changed, Banksie."  He said my nickname tauntingly.  "You get that, right?"  
  


"Yeah, yeah sure," I said quickly.  I just wanted out of there and with the Ducks. 

"Don't think your Duck friends can protect you anymore than they could when you were still on the _real_ hockey team of this school.  If you say anything to anyone, you know what will happen, don't you?"  I swallowed hard; my throat hurt.

"Yeah, I get it."  Riley reached out and gripped my shoulder, hard.  His dark eyes bored into mine, searching, making sure I was telling the truth.  

"Hey Riley, come on, I thought we were going off-campus for lunch," said a new voice.  It took Riley a second to realize that he still had his death-grip on my shoulder.  He let go and his hand slowly returned to his side.  I tried to discreetly massage my shoulder as Scooter approached us.  His face was carefully masked; I could tell, I often did the same thing.

"Hey Banks," he said, carefully.  He was trying to read all he could in Riley and my expressions yet not share anything himself.  Obviously he thought it was odd for us to be talking outside of when it was completely necessary.  Finally, he gave up and he grinned at me.  "So you like it back on JV with your friends?" 

"Yeah, it's like the old days," I answered, lamely.  I stopped rubbing my shoulder when I saw Scooter was watching.  

"So…you're friends…are also doing well?" Scooter said.  I nearly rolled my eyes.  Scooter was not the most discreet person in the world.

"Julie says you play well and she wanted to get some pointers," I said.  It was only the half-truth though.  I felt loyal to the Cat at the fact that I also didn't mention she nearly salivated when talking about Scooter's, "gorgeous hair and soulful eyes."  She also mentioned that he had "bedroom eyes."  I told her that in that case, he also had a bathroom nose and she proceeded to punch me very hard in the stomach.  

"Really?"  He lighted up so much that it was kind of funny.  "So you think she'd want me to, you know, offer to hang out on the ice or something?"  I nearly laughed this time.  It was only Scooter who would find practicing on the ice romantic.  Then again, Julie might.  

"Yeah sure, she'd be pleased."  Scooter smiled.

"Thanks, man.  Hey Riley, so you coming or what?"  Riley looked almost confused at this exchange between Scooter and me but recovered.

"Yeah, let's go."  Riley gave me one last long look.  

"Don't forget," he said.  

"Forget what?" Scooter asked, as they walked away.

"It's nothing," I heard him answer.  If only that were true.   

~*~__

_Charlie's POV_

I waited and let my friends talk for once and not contribute to the conversation, keeping my eyes on the door, waiting for Adam.  Where was he?  Did he not get my note?  Knowing Adam, he might be in the library or something finishing a paper three weeks ahead of time.  I smiled at the thought but I was still impatient.  

Finally, I got up.  Maybe I'd go check at the library or by his locker. 

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go find Banks, see where that guy's gotten to."  There was a chorus of "sure," "yeah," and "see you later"'s.  I picked up my tray, still filled with lunch seeing as how today was macaroni and cheese, which was a little too gluey for my taste.  I scraped as much of the food into the garbage can and left it on the tray pick-up counter.  

I walked outside, enjoying the silence after the cafeteria's continual buzzing.  I rounded the corner, unconsciously knowing where Adam's locker was.  When we had still been fighting, or I had been, anyway, I had figured out where his locker was to walk by it even at unnecessary times to see if Adam would be there.  I don't know why.

"Banks?"  I saw him on the other side of the long hallway, leaning against the row of lockers, rubbing his shoulder, looking lost.  

"Adam," I said, which got his attention.  

"Oh, _oh_ hey.  I was just about to go to the cafeteria," he said.

"What's wrong with your shoulder?" I asked blatantly.  Adam blinked several times, putting on that innocent act of his.

"Nothing," he said, eyes wide.  I pressed my lips together, contemplating on whether or not I should push it further.  Finally, I decided that our friendship was already on fragile grounds without me interrogating him on every little thing.

"So did you get my note?" I finally said.  Adam nodded.

"Yeah, thanks Charlie."  
  
"It's cool.  I meant it too.  I was going to say it in person but I thought maybe you wouldn't listen.  Or wouldn't let me say everything I wanted to.  Or I was just too much of a coward."  I laughed slightly, at myself.  "So you want to watch a movie or something on Friday?"  Finally, there it was, the trademark Adam smile.  It was a genuine smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle up and a slight dimple form on his right cheek.  

"I don't know, your pick in movies are pretty bad," he said, laughing.  "You're too into chick flicks."  I threw up my hands.

"Fine, you can pick," I said, in my most altruistic voice.

"Geez Charlie, don't sound like such a martyr."  I laughed.  It was just like it used to be, before this crazy JV/Varsity mess. 

"Come on, aren't you hungry?  It's macaroni day."

"Yum," he said, sarcastically.  He pulled out a brown paper bag.  "I brought my own."  I eyed the bag hopefully.  Adam laughed.  I missed the sound.    
  
"Let's go," he said.  We started walking in perfect step with one another; I had to look away from Adam, to keep him from seeing the big goofy grin on my face from being so happy.  Unfortunately, that also kept me from seeing Adam's look of pain as he rubbed his shoulder as we walked to the cafeteria.    

~*~__

_Riley's POV_

"So Riley," said Scooter, carefully.  He was driving and I was changing the stations on his radio, trying to find one song that was playing that wasn't so shitty that I thought my ears were going to bleed.

"What." 

"So why were you and Banks talking today?"  

"What?  Can't even talk to a former teammate without getting a goddamn interrogation?"  Scooter knew better than to apologize when I was pissed off because that would just piss me off even more.

"Nah, you guys were never tight, that's all." 

"Just checking up on the little guy, you weren't the only friend he had on Varsity, you know," I snapped.  I checked the dashboard compartment and found a medley of condoms and c.d.'s.  I carefully selected a burned c.d. and stuck it in the c.d. player.  I also took out a small, crisp package out with a sly grin.  

"So what?  Sleeping with "the Cat?"" I asked using the ridiculous nickname for the girl that Scooter had it bad for.  Now, _why_ he was so into her that I didn't get.  Scooter turned bright red.

"No way.  She's still a freshman."

"So what?"  

"You're real sick sometimes, Riley.  You might not have a problem with freshmen but I do.  Besides I really like her." I didn't understand his reasoning there.

"Then what are all of these?"  Scooter shrugged. 

"Some of the guys need them sometimes."  It was just like Scooter to play mommy for us all the time.  The one who advocated we didn't drink so much; the one who kept extra condoms to stop something as scandalous as pregnancy.  I shook my head and rolled down the window.  It was such a relief to get away from that tightass Eden Hall.  There was only one thing keeping me sane until graduation, only one thing that kept life interesting enough.  More like torturing a certain one _person_.  

I smiled to myself.  Adam Banks was more important than he'd ever know. 

~*~

a/n: so what's this secret/threat that Riley has against Adam?  _Why_ is Adam so important to Riley?  What's up with Charlie and Adam?  I have no idea…haha, just kidding, stay tuned and you'll find out.  Thanks for reading, please R&R on your way out! ****


	2. Tonight's Our Night

_Author's Notes_: Hey thanks for all the reviews!  I hope you slash haters still give this story a chance, if not, at least my other story (I think it's better written but that's just me)

Individual notes are at the bottom of the chapter, oh yeah, and the ambiguity about Adam's secret (that many of you seem to already know, argh) is that way on purpose to draw out suspense ^^

_Disclaimer_: The disclaimer of the first chapter will be a standing one from now on so that I won't have to rewrite this every time.****

**~*On Love, In Sadness*~**

**~*Chapter Two*~**

Adam's POV

I leaned my head back and smelled the freshly laundered sheets.  I was in so deep and I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late.  Damn Riley.  Damn Rick Riley to hell.  

"Damn him."  It felt even better saying it out loud as well as knowing that Father Pat would be shocked, not that I cared that much or anything.  I liked Father Pat though, back at home.  He was a good guy; it was church and the religion I hated.  I couldn't help but feel like I was praying out of habit and everything seemed wrong.  It was like God and heaven were all just a children's bedtime story people made up to comfort themselves so that they wouldn't have to deal with the fact that we'll all be blasted into nonexistence once we die.

Damn my existential tendencies. 

I should have known Riley would do something like this.  He was slimy and smart enough to, which pissed me off even more.  I pulled out my journal and flipped through the pages filled with my sometimes messy, sometimes immaculate handwriting.  That was another thing that bugged me, how I couldn't be consistent.  How is it that I didn't just have _one_ personality and instead am harboring five?  One is the depressed teenager with precocious, angsty tendencies, another is cheerful, happy, friendly, and another is deadpan…the list goes on.

The words "Rick Riley" jumped out of the page at my face and I started reading.  It dated to when I first learned I was put on Varsity, possibly the worst thing Orion could have done to me.  _The goalie, Scooter, is pretty nice although I can already tell he has something for Julie.  Sometimes when he talks to me I wonder if it's because of my connections to her or if it's because he really wants to be my friend.  He's a good guy though, I guess I wouldn't mind either way, it's nice to have at least one friend on Varsity.  The captain…Riley…. he's nice, and really talented.  But…I don't know, there's something about him that slightly bothers me.  Maybe it's because I'm really intimidated. _ 

I wanted to shout at myself, tell myself what to do before things got messed up.  The accounts of Riley got worse and worse and I ended up closing my journal before reaching what I knew was coming and what I didn't want to read.  I already knew the story; I know what happened because goddammit, I _lived_ it.

Who knew fantastic, nice, talented Riley could turn out to be who he really was?  Did anyone else know?  Sometimes I felt like Scooter knew.  Sometimes I think about telling someone, like Charlie.  Charlie would tell me it's okay, that it's not my fault.  Yeah, right, maybe in my dreams.  I can't tell him because then it'd mean telling him…whatever, it doesn't even matter, I can't tell Charlie. 

Just like my thoughts suddenly solidified, Charlie poked his head into my room.

"What are you up to?" he asked.  He was completely innocent, as though the past weeks have been erased.  If it were anyone but Charlie it would have irritated me to no end.  But it was Charlie and I didn't care, I wanted to leave all that fighting behind too.  Remembering the unofficial JV-Varsity match almost made me throw up.  Obviously Charlie noticed my discomfort.

"Or if you want I could just leave," he said, with a confused expression. 

"No, no, stay.  I just…I was thinking about that JV-Varsity match."  Charlie's sheepish expression showed he didn't like the memories much either. 

"I was a real animal, I'm sorry," he said.  He sat down on the bed next to me and gripped my shoulder.  My skin heated up under his palm. 

"Me too, sorry."  I could have put my words more eloquently but I was too surprised.  Surprised at the fact that I was letting Charlie touch me.  This is going to make me sound neurotic so don't judge me but I usually hate touching people unless I'm really comfortable with them which rules out most everyone I know.  I'm not big on human contact; sometimes I go out of my way to make sure I don't bump shoulders or legs or even touch hands when passing something.  But with Charlie it felt natural.  

He carefully leaned his head on my shoulder, bouncing his leg against mine. 

"I'm bored," he said.

"God you're so whiney."  I couldn't help laughing.  Finally I broke away and jumped up off the bed.  

"We could get some of this homework done," I suggested.  "Like the English paper maybe?"  Charlie rolled around on my bed, twisting up the sheets.

"Noooo," he moaned.  I rolled my eyes.

"You barge in on me and demand attention then you turn down my ideas of what to do, you're a fantastic guy you know that Conway?"  

"You can cut down on the sarcasm," he shot back, but he was struggling not to laugh, I could tell.

"Okay, okay, some English homework, then we get to watch a movie."  
  
"Your choice?" I asked, trying to look as pained as possible.  I'm guessing that pillow thrown at me was a yes.

~*~

Charlie's POV

I kept looking over at Adam who was sitting cross-legged on the bed, laptop whirring in front of him.  He was staring at the screen so intensely it was cute.  He must really want to do well.  Me?  I couldn't care less.  While Adam was working, I just laid on the other bed, thinking, yes, I, Charlie Conway, was thinking, hard, for once.

It's just…Linda.  There's nothing inherently wrong with her but at the same time there's nothing great about her either.  I can get really nitpicky and rag on every little thing so it wasn't much of a surprise that I was being so annoyed about one little thing about her.  It was when I first saw her and she says in this tired voice, "You're a jock, aren't you?"  No shit, did she not see that bright green jersey I was wearing?  Obviously she wasn't as smart as she came off to be.

So then _why_ have I been following her around?  I can't answer that either.  I don't know why, I just am, for the sake of having something to do maybe.  Opposites attract maybe?  I feel like I should.  It's probably because suddenly the Ducks team is all about raging hormones and finding that significant other.  Well, everyone but Adam of course, and maybe Ken but he doesn't really count.  Sometimes I wonder if Ken really is the same age as us.  Maybe it's a smart kids thing, they're both in all AP classes, so maybe smart kids don't get affected by something as petty as hormones.  

Well the point is everyone on the team is suddenly scrambling for someone else to be attached by the hip to so I guess I sort of fell into Linda.  But lately I'm wondering if that was a wrong choice.  I mean, don't get me wrong, she is pretty, in a girlish sort of way, which is predictable because yes, she is a girl, but I don't find anything special about her.  Speaking of how she looks, she looks basically like everyone else, a lot like Connie actually, which sort of unnerves me.  She's got those big eyes and soft hair and a smile like none other but then _why am I not attracted to her?_  I ask myself that every day. 

I hear a little cough from my right and I look over to see Adam frowning and peering at the laptop screen with still the same intensity as he was before.  I bite my lip slightly.  Maybe I do know why I'm not attracted to Linda. 

~*~

Riley's POV

"Fast food is god," Scooter declared.  Why did he have to be so dumb sometimes?  Sure he's a nice guy but does he have to say stupid stuff like that?  I just shoved a bunch of rapidly cooling French fries in my mouth.  Scooter was still cool though, he knew me well enough to know that I hated small talk.  He wasn't a moron and just let us eat in silence comfortably. 

I could tell he was thinking about that freshman, Julie, by that dazed expression on his face.  I was thinking about a freshman too but obviously not Julie.  I remember first time it was announced that a freshman had joined our team; it was unheard of.  I didn't want some kid thinking he's the shit coming in and taking over the team.  That was until I saw Adam.

He looked slightly awkward with fine, blonde hair parted perfectly, which was the first sign that let me in on a little bit of Adam's secret world.  He had the usual innocent face and had a pretty wasted looking body for a hockey player.  It wasn't his looks that pissed me off, it was the way he acted, so quiet and reserved.  It made me want to break him even more. 

Eventually the boys on the team asked me why I was taking the hazing so far.  They're all dumbasses so they believed me when I threw in the 'he's a freshman' excuse.  Obviously they don't know me well enough to know that I usually wouldn't give a rat's ass about a freshman; why waste my time on them? __

_"This is your new team member, Adam Banks," said Coach Orion.  I gave this Adam character a quick look over.  He was smaller than anyone else on the team but he also looked like he'd be fast.  I caught his eye and gave him a smile but his eyes were glazed over.  That annoyed me; it wasn't like I approved just anyone.  _

_His eyes held that glazed look for most of the conversation between Coach Orion and me.  He was telling me the background of Adam, what position he played, all useless shit.  I pretended to listen while watching Adam from the corner of my eye.  His eyes suddenly focused and he was completely alert, his whole body tense.  I followed his eyes to see what he was staring at.  It was a freshman kid walking by.  They made eye contact and Adam's body tensed up even more.  The other kid frowned and walked faster out of sight._

_"Okay Adam," I said, in the kindest voice I could possibly manage.  "How about we go to the ice and practice?" He seemed to snap out of his mini-drama reverie and finally his clear blue eyes focused on me._

_"Okay," he said softly.  He kept his eyes in the direction of where the other kid had gone._

_"Who was that?  A friend?"  _

_"Kind of."  _

_"Looks like you guys were fighting."_

_"I guess so."  I was marveling at how _nice_ I sounded but the effect was lost on Adam. _

_"Well don't let it bother you.  When you're on the ice everything else just disappears."  Finally, there was a tiny hint of a smile on his pale lips. _

_"Okay."  _

That was how I first met him.  I guess I don't know why I was so nice to him at first.  He just seemed lost and sick and I wanted to help him but he ended up pissing me off just like how everyone always does.  No one's is who they seem and no one wants know me after they find out what I'm really like.

"Riley."  I scowled and looked over at Scooter who shrugged apologetically.

"It's time to head back to school if we want to catch world civ."

"Fuck that." 

"Maybe you can but I can't, you know how uptight my family is about grades."  After a pause he added, "And if I get lower than a 2.5 cumulative GPA I can't play on the team."

"Fine."  As we drove back to Eden Hall, we passed by that same freshman that had been the center of Adam's melodrama.  At least I was pretty sure it was him, with the same curly, dark brown hair and lanky form.  Sure enough, it was the annoying kid, who also happened to be the unofficial captain of the JV team, the one who wouldn't shut up about geese or whatever.  

"Pull up by that kid," I ordered.  Scooter obeyed and I lowered my side of the window.

"Hey you."  The kid kept walking.

"HEY."  He turned around and frowned slightly, obviously he recognized me too.  He walked, warily, to the car nonetheless.

"What do you want Riley?"  

"You're friends with Banksie, aren't you?"  He nodded slightly.

"Tell him to meet me at the fountain tonight at 8:00, he'll understand why." 

"No, sorry," he said, with an easy shrug.  "We're hanging out tonight.  Maybe some other time."  I frowned, pissed off.

"Just tell him, he'll come."  The other kid looked equally pissed off.

"No, I told you, he can't meet you because he's gonna hang out with me.  What part of that do you not get?"    

"Hey, I never asked for your opinion, freshman.  My word goes."  He shrugged again.

"Whatever."  Something told me he wasn't going to pass on the message.  I'd have to do it myself. 

"Go," I ordered Scooter.  He started driving away and I watched the kid's reflection grow smaller on the rearview mirror.  What a little shit head.  Hanging out with him?  Like hell he was going to. 

Scooter was looking at me weird.

"What was that all about?" 

"Nothing, just messing with our rivals.  No, they're not even good enough to be called that, we'll flatten them in the JV-Varsity game."  Scooter, on the outside, let it go, but I could tell the cogs were churning in his head.  My mind kept running back to the JV captain's defiance.  _No sorry, we're hanging out tonight.  _No, tonight was Adam and my night.

~*~

A/N: Cliffhanger (sort of)!  Please R&R on your way out!

_Meg-    _I hope this was enough Riley for you.  For some reason, it's hard to write from Charlie's POV and I love writing from Adam's, it's just easier that way.  Riley's is also fun because I get to experiment (there's not as much of him in the movies).  Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

_Canadian-hockey-girl_- yeah I wouldn't either but Banks is a very forgiving person…I did kind of want to start the story where they're still fighting but chose not to…but then again that's what flashbacks are for…

_Kshyne99_- I hate Julie/Adam too!  In fact, I hate any Duck/Julie for some reason.  Julie/Scooter is much better…thanks for the compliments!

_Horisont_- I'm worried too ^^

_Crazy4nc128_- sorry this was so late in being updated ~_~ usually I'm a diligent worker but midterms took over my life ugh…

_Anne918_- there were definitely feelings before but not out in the open yet…but the possibility of them becoming in a couple in the future?  Definitely a good possibility ^^

_Nebula2_- yeah, this will be slash (sorry) but if you don't mind it, it'd be cool if you kept on reading it, or my other MD fanfic because it's still slash but that doesn't dominate the story as much. 

_Moonlight Phoenix1_- I love your story!  I'm eagerly waiting for your next chapter, can't wait until it's up!

Thanks also to: SuperSteph, BloodyRaine, Cassie, and darkdestiny2000. 

  


	3. Pretend

_Author's Notes_: Sorry for the delay!  Looks like Adam's secret's out @_@ but it's all good, everyone in the story doesn't know it (makes them seem kind of slow, doesn't it?)  Thanks to everyone who reviewed my other fic, the one-shot _Not Coming Home.  _Just wanted to say that here because I wouldn't have a chance to say it anywhere else I guess_.  _ 

**~*On Love, In Sadness*~**

**~*Chapter Three*~**

/Charlie's POV/

I sat on Adam's bed, bouncing my foot against the bed, trying to pick my words carefully.  Adam was looking through his meticulously organized closet, surprisingly the only thing in the room that was actually clean.  Even though everyone thinks Adam would be a neat freak, he was pretty messy.  He was pawing through polo shirts of every hue.

"Guess who I saw today," I finally said.  Adam leaned back to look at me.

"Who?"

"Riley."  I examined Adam's face carefully but it stayed very carefully neutral.

"What did he want?" he asked.  His voice was about as bland as mayonnaise.

"Oh just checking up on his rivals I guess," I said with an impish grin.  I don't know why I didn't just tell the truth, that Riley wanted to see him, but something told me I shouldn't. 

"Don't take any crap from Riley, Charlie," he said, his voice completely serious.  "He can be a lot of talk."

"And very little action?" I asked hopefully.  His face started to cloud over but the determined neutral won over.

"No, he's big on both parts."  We looked at each other for a couple seconds, and then Adam went back to picking through his shirts.  He finally came up with a pale blue polo and took it into the bathroom to change.

"Come on, Banksie, we're all _men_ here," I teased.  He flushed and hesitated.  I could tell he was calculating whether or not to still go ahead and change in the bathroom for his own comfort or to do so in front of me to prove he wasn't prude.  With a fiercely pissed off expression on his face, he pulled the shirt over his head and put on the new shirt.  I didn't pretend not to stare just to embarrass him. 

"Stop it," he muttered, and tried to hide his stomach.  

"Don't be such a girl, Banks," I said, laughing.  "It's not like you're fat or anything."  Actually he was the exact opposite.  He was a lot thinner than I had expected and it was kind of shocking but kind of intriguing too.  His skin was so pale it was almost blue.  

"I said stop staring," he said, louder.  He took a pillow and hit it over my head.  

"Hey, don't flatter yourself, I was not staring," I protested.  I studied his face.

"Hah, see?  You were disappointed," I crowed, triumphantly.  Adam blushed even more and turned away. 

"So you were looking," he said.

"Maybe."  Then he surprised me by pulling something that was totally un-Adam. 

"Ah I would be too.  Don't be jealous, perfection like my body is hard to come by."  I stood there speechless while Adam grinned, no _smirked_ was more like it.  

"You are so cocky."

"Only because I have reason to be."  I laughed.  It was about time Adam snapped out of his teenage angst mode.  I like him in all ways that he's innocent and nice and also hurt in a way that no one really knows but sometimes it's a drag because I get all worried about him.

"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked.  Adam shrugged slightly; I could feel him drifting back into his listless shell.  "Come on, you decide."  I wouldn't let him slink back into his sad, anguished state without a fight. 

"I don't know," he said.  

"Come on, what would be fun?"  Adam appeared to be thinking hard but then again, he always looks like he's pondering the meaning of life.

"It's fun to hang out with the Ducks and stuff," he finally said. "And talk or watch a movie…?"  Adam had started to develop the habit of being an up-talker so declarative statements started to sound like questions.  I made a mental note to tell him to stop. 

"Sure."  I neglected to mention the fact that I wasn't quite sure if the rest of the Ducks were going to be quite as forgiving as I was being for his rejoining the team.  "We can tell them all to come here and watch a movie with us or something."  Of course the TV was courtesy of Adam's loaded parents who thought fancy electronics could make up for bad parenting skills.  Well in my book bring on the computers and TV's and skip insightful talks with parents.   

"Okay cool." 

~*~

/Adam's POV/

I wasn't stupid; I knew the other players on the team weren't quite as ecstatic as Charlie was to have me back.  Some still held the idea that I was a traitor and a sell-out for joining Varsity (like it was my idea to even be on that stupid team!).  Julie, for instance, was in all the same classes as me (honors, being the school nerds we are) and she still wouldn't sit next to me.  Lately though, she was brave enough to send a couple of smiles my way.  I couldn't help thinking she felt more betrayed than others because of hurt feelings that started since right after the Goodwill games. 

/"Hey Adam I was thinking about some stuff," said Julie.  Coach Bombay had finally put out the campfire and said it was about time we all went to sleep.  I knew no one would though; we were all too buzzed from our winning the Goodwill games.  I forced myself to concentrate not on the high points of the game, but to what Julie was saying.  

"Yeah?"  I waited patiently as Julie did something completely out of character by playing with her long hair as she thought.  Finally, she looked to Charlie who was impatiently hovering over us, tugging on my arm every couple of seconds, grumbling to himself that we should go to our tent like Bombay said or something.  

"Charlie, could you leave us alone?" she finally said, in that direct way that was trademark Julie.  He scowled.  I didn't know why he was making such a big deal about it but at the same time, I didn't want to read too deeply in it.

"Fine, but don't be too long."  Charlie skulked off and I couldn't help realizing how possessive Charlie had gotten.  Maybe he didn't like sharing best friends.   When Charlie had gone a considerable distance away, Julie still led a me a little ways off into the forest, keeping the clearing where the campsite was still in site. 

I waited for Julie to speak.  But she surprised me by doing something else with her mouth.  Somehow, I found myself attached to Julie by the lips.  I couldn't help impulsively shoving her away.  

"What?" she said.

"No-nothing, I was surprised."  

"Pleasantly surprised?" she asked.  I bit my lip but I knew I wouldn't be able to lead anyone on.

"Not really," I admitted.  I was glad that the darkness prevented me from seeing Julie's slightly hurt, slightly mad expression more clearly.

"I thought you liked me," she finally said.  "You acted like you did."

"I…did…?"  I was completely baffled and Julie seemed to think I was acting.

"Yes," she hissed.  "Remember when Portman first joined the team and was a big jerk?  Well he still is but that's not the point."

"And I stood up for you," I said softly, vaguely starting to remember the incident.  Jesus, can't a guy do something nice like, say standing up for a teammate, without having it lead to crazy conclusions? 

"And we have a lot in common, I thought you always thought we were on a similar level."  Her voice had slightly changed to hold a pleading note.  "We were good study buddies."  We were.  When we were being tutored during preparation for the Goodwill games, we would study together and edit each other's papers.  I thought we just fell into that pattern mainly because no one else bothered to study or do the homework.

"Julie, I'm sorry, but I just like you, as a friend."  I don't know why I did but I added, "There's someone else for me."  Julie scowled.

"Fine, go out with some rich prep bimbo, see if I care." 

"I said I'm sorry."  God I hate arguments.

"Whatever, forget all about this, Cake Eater, because as far as I'm concerned, it never happened."

"That makes the two of us," I said to myself.  She was already gone.  I was standing there slightly dazed, trying to comprehend what happened.

"Three guesses that she's PMSing," said a new voice.  I jumped.

"You almost gave me a heart attack."

"Not like I could tell from your deadpan voice," scoffed Charlie.  "Why didn't you accept her love confession with open arms?  Even I though maybe you were harboring secret affections for the Cat Lady."

"Really?"  Did _everyone _think I was madly in love with Julie?

"Nah, I was joking."  Oh.  Obviously the joke was lost on me. "Someone else for you, huh?" 

"Yeah," I said, starting to feel kind of sick and nervous. 

"Who is it?  Don't tell me it's Connie, that would make this whole mess into an even bigger soap opera and despite the entertaining points, it'd be ugly." 

"No."  My voice somehow lost all it's power and had turned into a whisper. '

"Then who is it?" 

"I don't want to say."  Charlie accepted that.

"Alright.  Let's go back then, I've got the best story to tell you."  Somehow we found common ground on our undying interest in all that was morbid and Charlie was always coming up with the darkest, gruesome stories to tell me.  I followed him back to the campsite. /       

That had been a while ago but Julie carried it around with her like a security blanket.  No one knew about the rift explicitly but all knew in their own way that we weren't exactly the best of friends.  Now with Scooter in the picture, we had grown close once more, even restarting our study sessions, but after the Varsity mess…well it's not beyond repair.  I have oceans of respect for Julie and she's been getting over the Varsity thing.  

I wondered if she'd come tonight to Charlie and my dorm and hang out.  Somehow, after wrangling and pulling some strings, Charlie had managed to move me back into his dorm room after I rejoined the team.  

I wished I hadn't said anything but Charlie latched onto my express of interest in hanging out with the rest of the team and also saw that as an opportunity to cement and rejoin the bonds in our group.  Bombay was right; Charlie would make a better coach than a player.  He was the glue that held all of us misfits with nothing in common together.  I was pretty sure without Charlie things would get ugly fast. 

"Hey I'm gonna go find everyone else and tell them about tonight," said Charlie.  I snapped out of my thoughts.

"I'll get…snacks."  Charlie left the room first while I deliberated whether or not I should take a jacket or not.  The sun was already setting and it was growing dark.  Finally, I walked out of the room with change in my pockets, wearing just the shirt.  I padded around until I came across the vending machines.  

Everything was in snack size so to feed the Ducks would take a lot of change.  I was kneeling on the ground, pulling out the eighth bad of Cheez-Its when I heard footsteps behind me. 

"Hey there Banksie.  That's not very healthy for an athlete, now, is it?"  I put all the bags of junk food on the ground and carefully stood up and turned around.

"Hi Riley," I said, hoping I sounded as calm as I wanted to.  "What are you doing here?"  

"Same reason you are, Banksie."  I really wished he'd stop calling me that.  With a superior expression on his face, he put in several coins into the soda machine and came up with a bottle of water. 

"You've only been back on the JV team for a couple weeks and you're already learning bad habits?" 

"It's not for me," I said.  "It's for…everyone else."  Riley stepped closer to me and it took twice the effort to stay calm. 

"Everyone…else?  Who's this everyone else?" 

"Charlie and I decided to ask some people to hang out," I said.  Riley's eyes narrowed significantly. 

"And I'm guessing this Charlie character didn't pass on a message?"  I frowned and my silence was all the answer Riley needed.

"It's too bad for you little friends because you won't make it tonight." 

"What?"  Riley stepped closer and I felt the wall at my back. 

  
"You're not going anywhere."  I cursed my bad luck.  It was Friday night; everyone here at Eden Hall would probably be out partying or getting laid in their dorms.   It was more than possible that no one would come down to the vending machines.  

Riley stepped closer again and surveyed the blank expression on my face.

"Can't you even pretend like you're happy to see me?" he asked, pissed.  I stayed defiantly silent.  He leaned in close, his mouth near my neck.  I didn't stop my shudder.

"I guess not," he said.  I could feel his breath on my neck.  I closed my eyes and tried to move away. 

"You're a sick bastard, Riley." 

"And what are you going to do about it?  You know you can't or else the world will know what you are.  That would be quite a scandal here at Eden Hall, wouldn't it be?  You'd be kicked out of the school and the team.  Now where would you go from there?  No school or team in their right minds would take you in after that and you'd be left going to some backwater community college and being a telemarketer for the rest of your days.  So tell me, Banksie, what _are _you going to do about it?"  I bit my lip and fell back against the wall in defeat.  I couldn't do anything about it.   

"So what do you say, Banksie?"  When I kept quiet.  "That's right, Banks, you don't say anything and I won't."    

~*~

A/n: For you Julie fans out there, I like Julie too, really, but I always thought it was weird that a lot of writers always put Julie as Adam's only friend during his stint on Varsity when she was part of the trio that shot nitrogen on the Varsity's team.  Not only that, it was clear that one of the others expressed some hesitation and said something like, "Should we spray Banks too?"  And Julie immediately goes, "Yeah, he's one of them now."  Now I didn't think she was that sort of person who'd be all bent out of shape for a friend to join another team (without his opinion heard either) so I figured I might add a little history to that to sort of explain her feelings.  

Next chapter is already in the works! 

Thanks to: meggiebaby81 (you do get a cookie for reviewing ^^), darkdestiny2000 (I have no guarantees on Adam not getting hurt!), Horisont (more from the "bad guy's" point of view next chapter), nebula2 (glad you're still reading!), Eternity (you're basically right on target), Cards, AngelMerryElve, Angel Spirit (I love Charlie/Adam interactions!), crazy4nc128 (I'm still in shock cause I love your stories so much and _you're _telling _me _that you like mine!), and anne918 (I'm so glad you updated your Portman/Adam story!)  


	4. Shock

_Author's Notes_: Again, so sorry for the delay!  I haven't updated_ Radio Song_ at all and even got e-mail about it.  It's just that…the ending of the third chapter seemed pretty final didn't it?  Well that's just my excuse, I'll get around to it, I have some of the fourth chapter of that written up already anyway, sorry, enough talking about another story in this author's note.  Oh, and if I mix up who were the original Ducks and who aren't, I'm sorry it's been ages since I've seen the first movie…

**~*On Love, In Sadness*~**

**~*Chapter Four*~**

/Charlie's POV/

"So is Cake-Eater going to be there?" asked Goldberg.    
  
"Yeah, he's getting the snacks right now."  I could see him almost salivating at the word and shook my head.  I wasn't expecting Goldberg to really hold any grudges.  He wasn't even really angry with Julie when she took his spot as goalie, just a little miffed maybe.  I asked the ones who wouldn't have a problem first: Guy, Connie, Ken, Dwayne, Averman, and most of the original Ducks.  They all grew increasingly fond of our little Cake Eater, enough to get over this craziness. 

Then there was Fulton.  I frowned, scratching my head.  Sometimes I wished that Portman hadn't joined the Ducks.  It felt like he was just taking Fulton and spinning him into his own little crony.  Sure he was on our side but sometimes I felt Fulton wasn't his own person anymore.  And they had been taking this Adam on Varsity thing too far.  Well, maybe tonight would be different. 

"Hey Charlie, so things cool with Banks?" asked Guy.  I looked over at him.  We used to be close but somehow drifted apart, he had Connie and I had Adam.  But after Adam left for Varsity and Guy and Connie broke up, we started coming back to each other.  I wondered if that was going to change now that Adam rejoined our team. 

"I…yeah I think so."  Of course Guy knew about how hard I took it that Adam got into Varsity.  I don't even know why I hated the fact so much.  I didn't like the heaviness drifting over me.  So instead, I plastered a huge grin on my face and said, "Feels good flying single?"  Guy smiled widely, that's what I loved about him; he never had anything to hide.

"It really couldn't have gone any better.  We just drifted apart.  Connie's still one of the best friends I could ever ask for though."

"I know you're talking about me," she said, over her shoulder.  Guy rolled his eyes.

"You know, Connie Cooper, the girl I've told you so much about?" he said loudly.  Connie just grinned amiably and kept talking with Dwayne. 

"I'm glad it worked out well," I said sincerely.  Guy rested his hand on my arm for a sec and I peered into his hazel eyes. 

"I'm glad _it_ worked out well too." I smiled; I knew he meant us.  I missed him a lot and now I knew he had too.  As much as I was enjoying the rekindling of a favorite friendship, the back of my mind itched as I wondered where Adam was.  We were all settled in our dorm; everybody knew where it was and if some of them didn't want to show, I didn't care.  

"What movie are we watching?" Goldberg asked.  "And where's Banks? I'm starving." 

"God I hope Charlie isn't picking the movie.  His taste is more girly than mine," laughed Connie.  

"Hey!"  Ignoring the friendly insults being bantered back and forth, I flipped through Adam's DVD collection.  I didn't know what it was right now but there was uneasiness growing in my stomach.  I tried to push it away as Connie groaned at every movie I picked out.

~*~

/Riley's POV/

I've always liked him.  Adam.  He always had a hurt look on his face; he was bruised underneath that pale, pale skin.  I don't know whether I wanted to help him or just break him some more.  Either way, I couldn't stop when I started.__

_"Hey Banks, ready for our first big game?" _

_"Yeah, yeah sure."  He looked distracted, walking around his room aimlessly, putting together his bag.  _

_"Hey relax."  I motioned for him to sit next to me on the bed and he walked over slowly.  It took him an even longer time to sit down.  _

_"Just relax, that's the best thing to do before a game.  Take a couple of deep breaths now and right before you step onto the ice, you got it?" He nodded.  I told him to close his eyes and breathe deeply.  I leaned in and carefully kissed one of his butterfly lashes.  He jumped up about a mile and pushed me awkwardly and got off the bed._

_"What-what was that?"  His face was so panicked.  _

_"Calm down, I just want to help you."  My voice sounded sinister, even to me.  But I still couldn't stop myself.  I pulled Adam closer to me by his arm.  He resisted._

_"Adam, don't worry, I know you're like me."  That's when he stiffened.  When I pulled again, he didn't resist, he couldn't.  He was defeated.  It was a guess, just a guess, but this told me that my thoughts were right. _

_"You won't tell anyone?" He sounded so goddamn wounded, what was I supposed to do?  I put on my best Jesus Christ face and smiled at him._

_"I wouldn't dream of it Adam.  We're close, we're friends.  We're more than that."  I half expected him to childishly say, "We are?" But he kept quiet.  Something told me it wasn't resting easy in his mind.  He knew me already, or he was just suspicious.  Either way, he knew that I was up to no good.  But since he knew I could destroy him, he had to do as told.  _

_"Good, just relax," I said softly.  There was a knock that made Adam jump up and away from me.  I didn't mind; there'd be a time for when all that was needed to be done will be. _

That was what was going through my mind as I stood there with Banks in the dark.  While some would think that time had already come, I still didn't think so.  No matter what, Banks wouldn't ever give in to me completely.  Even as we look at each other he still has that mask.  The mask I've wanted to break for so long.  I lean down to finally taste him when he turns his head at the last minute.  He infuriates me so much. 

"Don't touch me," he says quietly.

"Who's calling the shots here Banksie?  Do I have to remind you again?"  Adam just looks away.  He doesn't even look pained or pissed, just blank like stone.  I grab him by the shoulders and shake him and his neck snaps back and forth like a broken doll. 

"Godammit why won't you ever respond?"  He still stands there with the blank face.  If I can't have him with his consent, at least I can still have him.  Or that's what I repeat to myself like an anthem as I force his chin up and kiss him.     

~*~

/Adam's POV/

I hate him so much.  Every time he breathes on me I want to boil and scrub that part of body.  Cleanse myself.  But I'm going to have to wait for that moment and it won't be for a while.  I let Riley kiss me for a while, playing a game to distract myself.  I see how long I can go without breathing until I'm at the edge of asphyxiating.  When blackness creeps into the edges of my vision, I finally allow myself a little air through my nose.  Sometimes for a split second I do really forget but then it comes rushing back to me. 

"Godammit why won't you ever respond?" Riley growls.  I only look away.  He doesn't know but it's easier, so much easier to live when you don't care.  It's harder when you're hurt.  It's easier when you just let things happen and accept it. 

"I wish you'd love me," Riley whispers.  My senses become alerted although I don't react outwardly; it's been the most lucid, non-malicious thing he's said all night.  After awhile I wonder if maybe I just imagined it.  But the look on Riley's face surprises me.  I don't feel any more merciful but I do feel pity.  Pity for the guy who's been assaulting me ever since he saw me.  I really must stop playing the game; it's making me go crazy, literally.  

He holds me, my back against the wall, and I wish it were all over.  I let my mind wander; I wonder if the Ducks even noticed that I haven't returned.  Would they even care?  I haven't felt this alone since the day I found my equipment freeze-dried only to later find out it was done by the Ducks.  I shudder, the first emotion I really gave.  Riley seems to be motivated by this and acts more aggressively.  I close my eyes and hope someone will come.  Anyone.  Charlie. 

~*~  
  


/Charlie's POV/ 

I still feel uneasy as I settle into the familiar atmosphere of the Ducks, the bantering, replaying of games, and bashing of teachers and other classmates.  Suddenly, Goldberg is hitting me on the arm.

"Oh man Charlie you missed the best thing."  He holds his stomach as he laughs and Averman and Dwayne join in.  

"We put-" Averman stops to catch his breath.  "We put fried beans in Riley's backpack.  We saw it, his paper got ruined, has to redo it."  The other Ducks start to laugh in a triumphant matter and suddenly, the bottom of my stomach drops.  Adam's strange behavior on the subject of Riley resurfaces in my mind.

"You guys, stay away from the Varsity, until the Varsity/JV game.  It's only gonna cause more trouble."  Averman looks at me quizzically.

"Geez Spazway, you sound like Orion.  Next thing you know you'll be telling us to name all the W words we know." 

"STARTS WITH A W!" booms Russ and the others start cracking up.

"I'm serious."  Something in my voice and my expression shuts them up. 

"I'm gonna go look for Banks, you guys just hang," I say, more quietly.  They nod and I can see almost physically their mental decision to decide not to pretend like anything's tense in the room.  We've always been good at covering up tension and worry, problems; we tend to gloss over things rather than deal with it.   That's how Banks got away with playing with his bad wrist for so long during the Goodwill games in the first place.  That brings me back to my current task at hand and I leave the room, determined to find Adam. 

~*~

/Adam's POV/

I almost think it's a wisp of a dream, solidifying itself only in my mind.  I'm already starting to black out again; I found out early on that that was the easiest way to deal with Riley's…antics. 

"Get the fuck away from him."  Now I'm hearing things, this is just great.  But suddenly I feel the pressure of Riley's body against mine relieve.  The Varsity captain is suddenly on the floor, sprawled, and different hands grab at me, pulling my shocked body from the wall, pulling me into a hug.  I start to pull away but the arms tighten. 

"Adam, Adam, it's me, Charlie.  Spazway."  Hearing the voice and realizing it's real and it's Charlie's arms that are really around me, not Riley's, makes me go limp with relief.  I sag into his arms and he catches me and holds me up.  Charlie looks with disgust at Riley on the floor.

"Stay the hell away from Banksie," he hisses.  I feel weak and pathetic.  Why do other people always have to come save me?  But still, I can't help but feel grateful towards Charlie.  There was nothing I could do; Riley had me backed into a corner both metaphorically and literally.  

"And who's going to make me?" Riley shot back. 

"What's the Varsity team going to think now?  When they find out that their captain is a freshmen molesting queer?" The word stings me but I catch the quick look that Charlie shoots me in time.  He doesn't mean it.  He can't.  But Riley doesn't know that and the look of fear that darts across his face reveals the reason behind Charlie's harsh words.  

"Who'd believe you?  Who would believe some delinquent punkass who shouldn't even be here?"  

"One person is all it takes, Riley."  There was a malicious glint in Charlie's eyes that even scared me.  "One person.  Imagine, it'll spread like a plague through the school.  Eventually even your dad will find out.  How disappointed he'll be that his prized son turns out to be some abnormal gay?"  Riley won't take the risk.  He'll leave it for now.  He starts to back away, as though Charlie had won, but I recognize the look in his eyes.  He'll be back, when I'm alone. 

The minute Riley is out of sight, Charlie's face turns into one of concern.

"Jesus that was scary.  Are you okay Adam?" He uses my first name again.  I look up but I feel like stone.  

"Those were some words you used," I finally said, quietly.

"It hurt to say them but I couldn't think of anything else to do.  He's bigger, he could and would have beat both of us if we gave him the chance."

"I know." 

"I didn't mean any of it.  Really."  

"I know."  God, it looks like my vocabulary shrunk to two words.

"How long has this been happening?"  I don't want to say.  But before I can stop, I say, "Since he first saw me."  Charlie pulls me towards him like he's my mother and we stand there like that for a while. 

~*~

/Charlie's POV/

Adam feels small and wasted in my arms, barely more than a kid even though we're about the same height.  It's more than just how he physically feels; he seems to be completely deflated of emotion.  His eyes are just glazed over, like how they were when I saw him with Riley.  

At first I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  Adam pushed up against the wall by that bastard.  He looked so distant; that's what scared me.  He was a big boy, but not big enough to hold all that emotion that _has_ to be in there somewhere inside of himself.  

When I hear that it's been happening since they first met, I'm so angry my vision blurs for a second.  I just keep holding Adam; I can't think of anything else I can do.

We sit down on the ground after awhile but I keep my arms around him. 

"I'm sorry Adam.  I'm sorry I didn't realize this happening before.  I should have known.  If I wasn't such a jackass and if I wasn't so hung up on the Varsity thing…" Adam silences me by giving me his trademark look. 

"It's not your fault," he says.  Finally his eyes seem to come back from some distant space and focus on my own.  "It's okay, don't blame yourself."  I felt transfixed by his eyes, like I was in some sort of sappy romance novels that Luis is always reading.  He looked so wounded but so beautiful, I felt the overwhelming urge to just close the few inches between our faces but I had good enough sense not to.  He's just been molested by fucking Riley; then next thing he needs is his best friend trying to do the same thing.  

That's why I'm shocked beyond thought when Adam leans forward and kisses me softly.

~*~

 a/n: hmm the chapter ended in a different note than I originally intended.  I was hoping for a cliffhanger but perhaps some fluff is okay too?  Hope you guys enjoyed it~

Thanks to: **Pull-My-Finger** (please update your own fic 'save me!'), **Moonlight Phoenix1** (ah thanks, I hope the characters still stay in character), **LiLRebL55** (thanks!), **cassie** (thanks!), **ZombieGurl98** (thanks! Ahh I feel like I'm repeating myself haha), **darkdestiny2000** (oh fine I won't kill him…hah seriously though I've already killed him so I think I'm satiated), **anne918** (aw thanks, I love your fics btw in case I didn't mention it already), **crazy4nc128** (ah sorry for not updating sooner! Hmm I think I'll go check your stories for updates…), **nebula2** (clever? Me? Unlikely...lol), **Vinnies-Angel** (I love your writing, I have to definitely procrastinate and read all your stuff again), and **Cards** (thanks!).  


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